Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Always Bet on Black

There were a lot of fun headlines on CNN’s home page last night/this morning, and while they all go to individual stories, I thought it would be fun to try to link them all together - completely out of context and without any regard for what the actual article is about - into an interconnected story of deceit and intrigue. Here goes:

Wesley Snipes is about to have the longest day of his life. On the run for crimes he didn’t commit, he must fight for survival as he attempts to uncover who his behind framing him for tax evasion.

While filming New Jack City 2: Boyz N Tha Cornfield on-location in Kansas, Wesley’s world is turned upside-down after uncovering an unusual meteorite, which contains data for a rare Apple virus that affects iPods worldwide. Hunted by U.S. Marshals and a race of vampires who both wish to possess the data to control the world, Wesley will uncover a conspiracy that implicates members at the highest levels of world governments.

His adventure begins as his apartment is set on fire while he’s sleeping. Luckily, his trusty dog Hayes saves him from a fiery grave. Sadly though, Wesley loses his trusty friend as Hayes rushes back into the building to save Wesley’s cat, Wong Foo. In a heartbreaking death scene, Wesley swears revenge on the government swine who took his friend’s life.

His quest will take him to North Korea, where he will have to save the inhabitants of a small town south of Pyongyang from radiation poisoning as three more potential nuke tests are possibly underway. Little does he know this is all a trap to capture him. But thanks to his training as a covert CIA assassin, Wesley gets away in an amazing spectacle of gunfire, knife fighting, explosions, and high-speed chases.

This all ends in a climactic scene as Snipes stages a fire alarm in one of the surrounding Capitol buildings, where he finally corners kingpin Mark Foley and gets him to release the name of his alleged abuser as a kid: a Thai mentor whose tough love drove him to program virus codes for Macs. This particular virus brainwashes the youth to vote Republican, thus keeping their corrupt party in power another 40 years. Foley, ashamed of his deeds, then plunges to his death out of a 10-story window.

For acts of bravery and selfless dedication to his country and moviegoers everywhere, Snipes is awarded the Medal of Honor and also receives a presidential pardon for his tax evasion. But Wesley is again in hot water after punching Democratic senator Ted Kennedy for ‘slavish’ remarks, when the gin-soaked politician says, “I could use more of your kind at my house.” The senator then apologizes and all laugh heartily as the credits roll and the screen fades to black.

What new adventures lie ahead for Mr. Snipes? Only time will tell. Tune in next time, same Snipe time, same Snipe channel. Now off to softball before I watch the Cardinals win the pennant.


3kalb said...

I looked all over my reciever for the Snipe channel, and tv guide doesn't have any listing for Snipe time. I'm eagerly anticipated the return of Wesley in Snipe Again: Back 2 Basics, but I don't know where to turn. Please help me.

Sincerely, any 17-year-old with a car worth over $20,000.

Grego said...

Dear sirs-under-17-with-over-$20,000-car,

That is a very good question. Thankfully, the channel you're looking for isn't far from the Snipe Channel. It's called Spike. This testosterone-driven channel has brought us quality programming like Striperella, TNA Impact, and something I think you'll be very happy with, Blade: The Series. I hope this has helped steer you in the right direction. Vaya con dios, future of our nation.

Dr. Greg Klein (Ph.D in Badassitry)

P-Town said...

Dear Dr. Klein,

Your analysis approaches Nietzchian perfection. Snipes is indeed the unwitting star of the weekend's headlines. Move over "The Truman Show" -- "The Wesley Show" is the new black.


PS - Blade The Series got cancelled.