I Rock Heads Like Mount Rushmore

Turn on the radio to your local hip-hop station, what do you hear? Chingy? Lil Jon? Ne Yo? Any of the other talentless hacks saturating the airwaves with their unoriginal beats and ryhmes about how rich they are/how many bitches they have? Yeah, same here, too. We also get a LOT of the Latino hip-hop for the myriad Blaxicans in the 505.

But if you're reading this, chances are you probably don't listen to those kind of stations (what can I say, I know my audience). But if you're looking for some lyrical, clever hip-hop, you need to listen to Binary Star. This now disbanded Michigan duo have more creativity in one simile than the entire playlist of 97.3 FM has in, well, something much bigger.

What follows isn't really a Top 5, because that would be too damn hard, but consider this a short list of notable Binary Star lines. If you like what you hear, let me know; I always love to share the Binary Star.

1. "You lack discipline, you're going nowhere like flat Michelins." - Fellowship
2. "I'm second to none while you get none like a convent." - Thinkin' Cap
3. "I even freestyle in French when I'm rhyming abroad." - KGB
4. "I see through your competition; you might be fly, but I'm a hawk, you's a pigeon." - Water World
5. "The winning team, I coach rhymes like Lenny Wilkens. Keep the world guessing my style like Rumplestiltskin." - Dat Fast Food Joint

Word.

...And The Crowd Goes Wild!

Brevity's the name of the game tonight. So here goes:

The Cardinals swept the Cubs this weekend. Our pitching actually looked good, and Gary (thanks Austin) Bennett came in LARGE with two game-winning at-bats, including a bottom of the ninth grand slam with the game tied at 6 on Sunday. I was jumping and screaming like a little schoolgirl. At least this time I had an excuse. Things are looking better than on Friday when we were tied with the Reds for the division lead. Fingers crossed!

24 won five Emmys, including Best Drama and Best Actor. No, I didn't watch the ceremonies, although I heart Conan, but I did read the highlights on Yahoo News. But back to 24. Many know that Monday nights hold a sacred place in my heart. I am not to be disturbed during my hourly date with Jack Bauer. I've been with this show since the beginning and I've loved every bit of it. Yes, even the mountain lion (man, I WISH I could find a pic of this...oh well). I can't wait until January!

That's all you get!

Animated Violence Is Fun!

I recently came into possession of 35 of the Itchy & Scratchy shorts, and it's been amazing. Mini vignettes chock full of blood and gore. I was watching them all in a row, when I saw one I hadn't seen before. After watching it, my roommate and I couldn't stop laughing for minutes afterwards, awestruck by the sadistic depths it reaches. Ch-check it out.



He creates a killing machine! Genius. Watching something like this made me think about what if something like this actually played during after-school variety shows. Sure, you can use the argument that Looney Tunes are pretty violent, which is true. But the blood, gore, and dismembering present in every Itchy & Scratchy would be sure to warp the mind of some weak and/or worthless kids. We live in a culture where we laugh at physical pain but shun our children's eyes when the first hint of a nipple rears its ugly head, and I think the writers were trying to convey that with Itchy & Scratchy. Their ability to take such a funny but horribly true snapshot of our society is what makes The Simpsons such a great show. Well, one of the MANY reasons.

Laugh, and the World Laughs with You

Go 0-15 for the season in softball, and the world laughs at you.

Chili Can Kill You

I almost died Saturday.

Okay, so that's not so true, but did I get your attention? Awesome. Keep reading.

It's been raining in New Mexico lately. A lot. What was once a statewide drought has now turned into a flash flood warning everywhere. The town of Hatch has been flooded over, several streets around the Albuquerque area are a danger to drive when it pours down, but it does wonders for the scenery while driving around the state. What was once a desolate wasteland of a drive to Santa Fe has become actually kinda enjoyable.

Well, me and five others drove out to Jemez Springs this weekend to do some camping. Instead of staying down around the hot springs, we went to the top of the cliffs and camped there. The view was amazing, especially once sunset hit (sorry, pictures to come. Film=undeveloped).

The beer was flowing like wine. And while I could go into details of song and stories told around the campfire, the truly interesting event happened around midnight. All had gone to bed save for me and Eric. We were fairly drunk at the time, just lounging in front of the fire seeing how many pine needles we could burn, when the campfire exploded, sending embers everywhere. I jumped up and and brushed them out of my hair, slightly panicking like a little girl. Once we collected our thoughts, we looked around and saw the damage.

Everywhere around us, the ground was littered with little glowing embers, about 25 feet around. Quite a captivating sight. It was a moonless night, so it was pretty much pitch black except for these orange dots on the ground. We yelled for everyone to get up and start stomping them out before something went up in flames (rain aside, this is still New Mexico).

Once that crisis was averted, everyone went back to bed and Eric and I stayed up to drink more and think about what had happened. I had a truly Ubik moment, joking with him that right now we were being airlifted to the hospital after being covered in horrible burns, but we were both coexisting on this different dimensional plane, unaware of what was actually happening. I think I can safely say after 42 hours I was wrong, but at that time of drunken stupor, I wasn't sure.

The next morning, we found the culprit: a can of chili. Wolf brand chili (curse you, Lyman Davis!). Apparently, one of us had put the closed can near the fire, and it slowly began to work up pressure and heat until it finally exploded, taking half of the fire with it. The crazy thing, though, was that it was found 25 feet away from the campfire, having sailed over the tents and my friend's car. Inside the can, there was no trace of chili; it was perfectly clean. Not even a burn mark. Around the campfire, no chili. Freaked us out. There was nary a trace of bean nor meat anywhere.

There were, though, traces of the fire. All the chairs had holes in them from the embers, one tent got some holes, but nothing on me or Eric. I don't know, it was truly surreal, but I've rambled on far enough. Dinnertime.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Eerie, scary, mysterious ways.



For those who can't open videos on this site, go here: http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2758257. I don't know what to say about this clip. I'm kinda freaked out, but this girl - who can't be more than ten - can really command a room. Kids this young shouldn't be this adept at demagoguery. My advice to you is to book a flight to Rio and join the Crusade now before it's too late.

Sorry, I'm having problems with the browser at work, so I can't hyperlink. Sure, the easy solution would be to wait until I get home to post this, but where's the fun in that?

Warning: Silly Questions May Result in Shuriken to Face

I realize that many of you visit this site like crazed fanatics for insight, knowledge, and humor; I thank you for that. Sometimes, though, the sagacious wisdom of a ninja is needed to clean those nitty, gritty, hard-to-reach areas of the brain. But how does one track a ninja down? The Yellow Pages? Your local Chamber of Commerce? Checking you city's sewer systems?

Answer: www.askaninja.com. Finally, normal people like you and me (well, mostly you) can ask a ninja pressing questions like the history of the number 3, a ninja's love of heavy metal, midget ninjas (minjas), or what a ninja thinks of Pirates of the Caribbean Part Deux. It kicks Jeeve's snooty, pretentious, limey ass all over the internets.

"For my birthday, he upgraded my RAM and I thought it was incredibly romantic."

Every time I sit back and think, "Why did I stay away from the blogosphere for so long?" I read something like this and remember why. Enjoy.

Rock Over London, Rock On Chicago...

I was on the site of one Jon P Nease today, and saw a blog headline that caught my eye: Wesley Willis Song Generator. The name really says it all. Now you can make your own "Vampire Bat" in the comfort of your own home! Here's my song, "Greg Klein's Techno Dinosaur:"

About 28400 people like Greg Klein's Techno Dinosaur.
I like Greg Klein's Techno Dinosaur a lot.
You can really rock it out.
I love you a lot in the long run.

GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!

You really whoop Saddam Hussein's ass.
You can really get in the groove.
You really whoop a snow lepoard's ass.
I like you well.

GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!
GREG KLEIN'S TECHNO DINOSAUR!!!

I like you a lot in the long run.
You make the joyride music.
You are the savage king.
You can really rock your ass off.

Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago.

Be a Pepper - drink Dr. Pepper


We all miss you Wesley. The world shed a tear when you left and joined the choir invisible. I'm sure you're keeping God and the Jesus very entertained.

Oh My God! That Chair, It's En Fuego!

That's "on fire," for those who don't hablo espanol.

The visit from Gubbs a few weeks back sparked some memories of mischievous past events. He reminded me about the chair fire that took place in the Beta Sig/Campus Lutheran parking lot. My memories are fuzzy and spotty, but I do remember quite the crowd herding around the flaming piece of furniture. I think there was some dancing, some rejoicing, some general hijinks and hilarity. If you can remember better than I (and there are several fellow bloggers who I think were there...you know who you are!), I'd love to hear some of the charred details.

The great thing is that the burnt shell of the chair sat in the parking lot for the next few months. Cars had to drive around it, it was inconvenient, but no one moved it. I'd like to think they left it there out of respect and memorium.

But how great that evening was, it has its roots steeped in tradition. These pictures you see are from the first chair fire that took place in the backyard of Kagua House, in Albuquerque. If you remember the house I spoke of in the Cops post about the arrested transvestite, this is the same house. What happens when spare furniture and alcohol get together? We answered that age-old question.

Sure, it doesn't seem like there's much to it: add one unused chair, some lighter fluid, a little alcohol, and voila! But its beauty lies in its simplicity. For those enamored with what I've said, be sure to spread the love of the chair fire to friends and family around your local area. Just one time being exposed to this pyromaniacal delinquency and you'll come away feeling cleansed and wholly entertained. You're welcome.

Dignity and an Empty Sack Is Worth the Sack

Life's lessons, courtesy of the Ferengi. For all you future merchants and entrepreneurs, I introduce you to The Rules of Acquisition, a set of rules and guidelines provided to you for maximum profitability.

Three other important rules to remember:
144. There's nothing wrong with charity...as long as it ends up in your pocket.
152. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know.
189. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.

And don't forget the all-important Unwritten Rule: when no rule applies...make one up. Now go make something of your life, you slackers.

Earmuffs.

Fuckin' A, folks, if you're fuckin' like me, you're fuckin' always running in and out of the fucking house, no time to sit the fuck down and enjoy a fucking screening of Big Lebowski. Well fuck, worry no more. Now you can fucking watch this fucking pocket-sized, edited version of fuckin' Lebowski, coming in at a fucking svelte 2:14. Fuck guys, it's fuckin' sweet.



Disclaimer: the above post and video may have contained some graphic language. Don't worry, it was all for comedic effect. Get the fuck over it.

"He seems to be hung up on superheroes' sex organs."

It ends a bit suddenly, but it's still entertaining. See, what this person did is splice the audio from Mallrats and place it over the video from an episode of Superfriends. Wow, what will people think of next; editing down movies, leaving only the profanity? That'll be the day.

It's a Musicstravaganza!

Well it looks like all that hard work at the office last week paid off, because we made bonus for one of the magazines. And what better use to spend said money than a trip to the music store (paying down credit cards is so boring). I walked out with a Faith No More double DVD, a Ben Folds Five DVD, and Spoon’s reissue of Telephono with the Soft Effects EP. Currently, Mr. Folds is on the telly behind me, playing an amazing version of “Selfless, Cold, and Composed.” I struggle to quell the tears.

The Ben Folds was a sort of impulse buy, as were the gummy bears at the register (I never turn down Haribo Gold-Bears. NEVER!). Initially, I had gone in for the Faith No More and Spoon, but Ben Folds was staring right at me as I picked up the FNM. And how could I resist, when it was looking at me with these sad eyes, wanting to find a good home? The FNM, however, was essential: a full concert and every music video they made. Oh yes. Refer to six posts below to see why I’m so excited.

And then there’s Spoon. This Austin band of rockers has been Grego’s favorite band for quite some time, but a recent string of bad luck has kept Telephono out of my grasp. My Spoon collection is now complete, and I feel more whole as a person as well. How nice of Spoon to realize the position I was in and rerelease not only their first album, but also their EP that shortly followed. Keep a lookout for some upcoming Spoon pandering.

I believe posts like this are what people refer to as “mailing it in.” But hey, you read it, so I guess my job is done. Good night, fooligans.

Steve Martin Plays A Mean Banjo, and Mel Gibson Plays A Mean Anti-Semite

Now while this may be old news to…well, probably all of you, I felt it fun to bring up. The Passion of the Mel recently got pulled over for a DUI. But this seemingly normal celebrity drunk driving case has an added twist: while being arrested, he started berating the officer, asking him if he was Jewish and stating that Jews are responsible for starting numerous wars. Frankly, I can’t believe it. Mel Gibson anti-semitic? Maybe if we would have had some indication, some hints into his twisted psyche, maybe this wouldn’t be so shocking. Although this makes the South Park episode with him in it that much funnier.

And on a lighter note, I recently acquired the comediscography of Steve Martin. While I already loved the silly wit of Steve Martin, I found out that he plays the banjo…really well. Amazingly well. If you have a chance, listen to Let’s Get Small, his first album. It’s comic gold. Plenty of banjo playing and banjo-related humor, too, like the inability to play a sad song with the banjo, or how the banjo could have saved Nixon. Wow, I just used “banjo” four times in a sentence. Top that, fooligans!