I'd like to talk to you tonight about something I feel very strongly about...something that could one day save your life...maybe even your children's. No, I'm not revealing a cure for cancer or my proposal to legalize hemp, or knocking on your monitor to tell you about the good word, but rather, warning you about a looming danger down south.
I speak...about the penguin: a hellbeast of Satan bent on world domination and the re-enslavement of the human race. Yes, re-enslavement, as in they've already enslaved us before. Oh sure, they're charming animals, but it's all an act. The flightless waddling? The charming tuxedo-like appearance? Their apparent lack of fear towards humans? All a facade to lower our fears while they slowly migrate further north until it's too late and they overrun our society. Don't believe me? Too cute to be true? I have proof...
Back in high school, me and some buddies were digging in my friend Rob's backyard for buried treasure. About three hours into it, we uncover a stone tablet. We carefully excavated it and saw that the tablet contained some weird markings and images. Some of the crudely drawn pictures showed penguins holding whips and what looked to be humans chained together in a line.
We didn't know what to do. We didn't expect to find anything, let alone something like this. So after apologizing to Rob's mom for tearing up her rose garden, we went to the university and asked the archeology department if they could help with deciphering the tablet. The head of the department told us to look up Dr. Jerry Chibauld, who worked in the zoology department and was known to have studied Penguinese.
Dr. Chibauld's eyes lit up when we took the tablet to him. He told us he could decipher it and would call us when he did. A week later, he told us to rush over to his office, as he had finished translating it and had uncovered something big.
What he told us changed our lives forever. It seems that many years ago, during the last Ice Age, penguins ruled the world. They had enslaved humanity and forced them to tend to their crops, build statues to their fallen leaders, and any other task they desired for their sadistic pleasure. But one day, six men rose up against them. These men, dubbed the Men Against Penguins, united the enslaved human population and overthrew their avian warlords. It was an epic battle, and this blog doesn't nearly have the budget to reenact it. But we won, and that's the important part.
As for the penguins, they were banished to Antarctica for their crimes against humanity, to stay there forever. However, the tablet ended with the penguins promising they would one day return to conquer the human race.
Well, the six of us realized we had a great responsibility. With the prevalence of pro-penguin progaganda in our society, we were worried their day was soon coming. So in Dr. Chibauld's office, we reformed the M.A.P. We've since gone our separate ways, but we remain ever vigilant, ready for the day when we lead humanity against the penguin threat yet again. One of my theories: penguins are responsible for global warming, or at least doing their part to help people and corporations continue polluting, as the melting of the ice caps will bring upon an Ice Age, an environment in which they'd easily conquer us. Just a thought.
Penguins also have many powerful friends and assets in our society. First, they've taken over Linux, so our technology is at risk. Second, they've brainwashed Morgan Freeman, and his soothing voice will calm the unwitting populace when the penguins begin to mount their armies. And third, their general cuteness makes my job that much harder to warn people, as who would believe that some cute, well-dressed bird wants to see you dead? Wait, are you laughing right now? You'll be one of the first to go.
Don't fall for their lies anymore. Join the M.A.P in our quest to tell people about penguins. Your life may depend on it.