Monday, November 12, 2007

The Object of My Ire

Greg hates Porsche Cayennes.

There, I said it. What started out as general dislike in Albuquerque grew to strong annoyance from the overabundance of them in Los Angeles, and now has bloomed into full-blown hatred after getting honked by one today.

I was sitting at a stoplight while taking a delivery, and I notice one stop behind me. When the light turned green, maybe one second had passed when I get a honk from behind. It was that fucking Cayenne, and the driver was obviously much more important than I. I look back startled, wondering if I actually heard that. I even saw the driver next to me do the same, also startled by the driver's dicketry. If I wasn't in a rush to deliver some hot and fresh goodies, I would have planted myself there and waited until the yellow light to go, all the while listening to his honking. But no, I had to drive, so I accelerated s-l-o-w-l-y and had about ten or so cars pass me on the other side before the Cayenne had a chance to pass me. I then sped up and made the delivery, but still fuming over the impatient yuppie. And the car was this ugly tan, too. Fuckstick.

But fuckstick aside, let's talk about the Cayenne itself. First off, why the hell are you buying an SUV from Porsche? Porsche, really? If you're going into a Porsche dealer, it should never...never ever to look for a family vehicle. Rather, it need only be spacious enough to fit your mistress, midlife crisis, and failing libido. Two-seater? Perfect. And plus, does your SUV really need to be a Turbo?

But with the recent SUV craze by every car company who doesn't need to build one(Lexus, BMW, Audi? Ugh.), I can't really blame Porsche for capitalizing on it as well. However, I can blame the people dumb enough to buy one. Although I'd like to think that after Porsche approved the plan to go forth with the Cayenne, they still fired the guy who proposed it, just out of sheer principle.

Sure, I could just as easily write about my hatred towards Hummer and the horrible H3, but at least they're not pulling any punches about what they are (gas-swallowing, accelerating boxes). To me, a Porsche SUV is blasphemous. If you want to drop that kind of dough on an SUV, buy a Yukon Denali or Cadillac Escalade. At least they look like an SUV should, and you're even buying American, you commie. Trust me, your friends at the country club are laughing at you behind your back. That, and also because your wife is sleeping with her tennis instructor.

*deep breath*

We're going to finish this post on a higher note, so instead of my ranting, let's have Laughing Colors do that for us. The song is called "War on Drugs," and has been widely mislabeled as "Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll" by Guns N Roses. Hence, the GNR images on the video. But the song itself is awful (full of awe). I just wish I had this song during middle school; it would have been my anthem! Such great should listen. Have a great night, everyone.

No comments: