At Least They're Not The Cubs...

Well, the Cardinals finally won tonight after dropping eight straight. And about goddamn time; it couldn't last forever (although I had my suspicions for a bit). And now with upcoming series against the Royals and Braves, this is a time for the Redbirds to turn things around. Let's just just hope they close the deal in the late innings, something that's been a bit of a crap shoot as of late. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.

Sigh.

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On a lighter note, today at work was one of those moments that make it all worth while. I was able to talk to a legend in the tattooing industry. Her name is Shanghai Kate, and she's one of our Shops of the Month in PAIN, the tattoo mag I work for. A treat to talk to, really made me smile after a long ten days of deadline writing.

And lest we forget, beware the penguins. Trust me, The Shins weren't just making a funny video with "So Says I." They're fellow Albuquerque boys, they understand. I'll explain later, it's not safe now.

You're the Devil in Disguise

Many of you are familiar with the cuddly pillow talk of Ann Coulter. Yes, her musings are praised amongst the literati of our society who respect sound arguments backed by logic and reason.

Now, you can test your knowledge of this prolific author/speaker/racist by comparing quotes of her and her mentor. I only got 8 correct, so I guess I have a bit more studying to do. Don't worry, I won't let you down again, Ms. Coulter.

The Hitler vs. Coulter Quiz

Really, the simple fact we can have this quiz and have it bo so hard should be funny, but then I look at her book sales. I don't know who I hate more: her or the people paying $25 to read this written excrement. Maybe a little of both, a potpourri of hate, if you will.

See You in Syndication...

Aaron Spelling, a man who almost solely proved the Law of Indirect Proportion Between Wealth and Talent (I believe U2 has taken the reins on this now), has passed away. With this loss, who will step up to show us the true face of upper class teenage angst or the daily goings-on of long-legged, crime fighting vixens? Actually, I can't really hate Aaron Spelling for his candied fluff, there certainly is worse on TV.

And while learning of Mr. Spelling's death, I came upon this article of a man rewarded 400,000 dollars for a penile implant gone awry. Seems he's had an erection going on ten years. I had made a quick joke about his lawyers not shaking his hand...you know, something juvenile, but then I read in the article that he was a handyman. Damn you CNN for beating me to that joke, you're supposed to be above that.

High Point of the Week: I found my Bees album, Free the Bees, in my friend's Life Aquatic DVD after he had stole it for the last four months. Damn, is that really the high note?

Low Point of the Week: On the night we went 0-7 for the season in softball, I scraped and bruised my shin sliding. It hurts to walk, hurts to sleep on, and it hurts when I pee (don't party too hard in Phnom Penh...that's a hard lesson to learn).

Finally, we here at the program would like to wish our good friend 3kalb over at Error 204 a happy birthday, and hopefully many more on Channel 4. And on that note, goodnight, fooligans.

Freebird!!!

Get those lighters in the air, cause our president's come out for the encore and he's looking to bring the House down. Well, maybe just the left half of it.

Long week, I'm drained, so we'll chat tomorrow, hmm?

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Drunken Monday Ramblings, Part Deuce

Oh, and kudos to the NHL.

We all remember what happened during the whole strike nonsense, and they earned every bit of criticism and insult thrown their way, but they came back, understanding they were going to be demoted to the Outside Living Network for their selfish bickering. And while it's easy to poke fun at hockey and trash them for the strike (I've done it many a time), I have to give them credit for playing a humble and hard-fought season. I didn't follow the season closely - the Blues buh-lowed this season - but Carolina just won a close series against Edmonton to cap off a postseason of awesome hockey.

I hope the NHL is happy with being, maybe, MAYBE, the number six sport. I think they'd be ecstatic with that right now. Let's face it, this is a football nation, and we still love us some baseball, basketball, and NASCAR. And then you have the X sports, the rise of UFC, and of course, golf. So yeah, it's a long road back to where they once were. But this is a step in the right direction.

Now while I would have loved to see Chris Pronger win, Doug Weight and Corey Stillman are two other former Blues players who deserve to hoist the Cup. I can't believe Carolina beat a Canadian team, but Tampa Bay won the last one against Calgary, so I guess weirder things have happened.

Drunken Monday Ramblings, Part One

Now that I'm blogging officially, I guess one of the requirements is a filling in of goings-on in the life of yours truly. There are some who know all too well of the long drunken ramblings of Gregory Steven Alouiscious Klein, and I'll spare you that this time. But consider yourself on alert. So here, because is there any better way to convey it, are Greg's Top 5 Moments of the Weekend:

1. I got in a water fight late Friday night while sobering up at a hookah bar downtown over an argument between who Mary Stuart Masterson and Mary Steenburgen were. I don't know how it started, I don't know who was right (probably me), but our time there was cut quite short.
2. The Cardinals swept the Rockies. Because fuck Pete Coors.
3. There was this bus of nuns I rescued after their brakes went out on a mountain pass. No big deal.
4. Gnarls Barkley performing "Crazy" on the Movie Awards in a Star Wars-themed ensemble. Chewie played drums! Yes, that song may be played out, but I just heard for the first time...well, right then. I know, point and laugh.
5. I saw The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Although I liked For a Few Dollars More more, Clint Eastwood is still a bad man. A bad, bad man.

And finally, the Quote of the Weekend:
Eric: She was a scat dancer.
Greg: Bee-bop-badda-bop.
Eric: Not that kind of scat, the East German kind.

Is that about how these go?

Who Approved Their Mortage?

I know you've all seen it, maybe even laughed once or twice. I speak of the Slowsky family, one of the latest Comcastic commercials. You know the premise: a turtle couple are fed up with their fast Comcast internet connection and switch down to DSL to savor the slowness. See, it's funny because they're turtles, and turtles are slow, but Comcast is far too fast for them. It really does just write itself. But there are some things that don't sit well with this blogger, ladies and gents.

Question the first: Where the hell do these turtles get the equity to buy a house? What does this turtle do for a living that allows him to live in a 1500 sq.ft. house with his wife? Was this some affirmative action thing where the employer needed to fill his reptile quota, taking good jobs from college graduates? I have an unemployed roomate who would probably like a word with this boss. And why even buy a full-size house when you're about nine inches tall? How long does it take to get from the bedroom to the bathroom, or even open the fridge for a late-night snack? Okay, so that's more than one question, but you get the overlying idea.

Question the second: Does the state recognize the two's marriage? I mean, in a time when homosexuals are demonized for wanting to get married, we're letting turtles? They're not even warm-blooded, they don't have a soul.

Question the third: Why even get DSL in the first place after Comcast? Why not just drop down to the regular modem? I guess he had to impress his toad and salamander friends that he can afford to get an upgraded internet. Goddamn superficial turtle.

I'll leave you to dwell on those three questions. That, and I don't want to look crazy or anything by rambling on incessantly. But start questioning the storylines behind these commercials, about the lives these people lead once the camera is off; it can be a lot of fun. Until we meet again.

Greg-o-ry Klein, That's Who I Want to Be...

Okay, so now that I got the icebreaker blog out of the way, just one more bit of introductory fluff before I can get into more interesting material. Not that the events of my life aren't interesting, but I'd feel better if you knew a bit more about yours truly before we proceed.

I remember my earlier days in Sri Lanka (which will always be Ceylon to me, but that's another story for another time). At that time, I went by the name Faji Rahapaknas, and I was in deep with the Tamil Tigers. They were just a charitable organization then, doing weekend bake sales, cleaning local graffiti, cutting the hands off local thieves...you know, that whole thing.

But then one day Padi, the young upstart in the group, started complaining that we needed to carry around AK-47s to keep the other gangs from invading our territory and picking up the litter. This was unheard of at the time, as differences were settled by a "nice-off," where you kept hurling compliments at one another until the other couldn't think of anything nice to say. Those were good times.

So you can understand our shock when Padi brought up the whole gun thing. Quite a few of us objected, but Padi managed to convince some to fall to his cause. Words turned into a nice-off, where the leader, Lakta, decided to go against Padi to settle things. Well, Padi, sick of the nice-offs, pulled a knife and stabbed Lakta there, right as Lakta was complimenting Padi's eyes. Lakta never saw it coming. Padi took control of the Tigers, and those of us who were against him made a hasty getaway. C'mon, that's a big jump from smiles to weapons...we were completely unprepared to fight them. So I took my wife and our 13 kids, packed up our stuff, and took off for America.

My wife, the gold-bricking whore she is, took the kids and became a traveling band of musicians. She figured, five in the Partridge family, so her profits should increase 160%. Last I heard, they were performing under the name The Polyphonic Spree. I hope they're doing well.

As for me, I crawled out of the bottle I was living in for two months, cut my losses, and took the name Greg Klein to blend in better with the locals. I attended the University of Missouri, became an English major (which is actually a very easy language to learn...who knew?), and moved out to Albuquerque to edit three trade magazines: one for smoke shops, one for tattoo and piercing parlors, and the third to New Age shops.

And that pretty much brings us up to today. Now that we got that out of the way, it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. Now if you don't mind, it's high time to cash in my $50 gift card to Martini Grille.

Have a good night, fooligans.

Let's Get Things Started...

Well, here I am in the vast blogowhosawhatsit, wondering how I should I should usher myslef into this intimidating medium. But instead of my wit, I'll let better men than I set the pace for this experiment. Here are the Top 5 Heavy Metal Track Ones.

1. Sepultura - "Refuse/Resist" - Chaos A.D.
2. Megadeth - "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due" - Rust In Peace
3. Slayer - "Angel of Death" - Reign in Blood
4. Metallica - "Enter Sandman" - Metallica
5. Pantera - "Cowboys from Hell" - Cowboys from Hell

Welocme to the show, everyone. It can only go up from here.